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  • I feel very sick. I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m really sorry for any and all weird stuff I’ve said. I hope you can forgive me, Sojan. I am pretty sure now that that I have DID and I need to try to leave the cult.

    I just want you to be my friend Sojan, I’m not trying to be your enemy. I love you and respect you and admire you a lot. I wish you loved me too.

    You matter to me a lot. A this might sound weird to say but I feel like your somehow my attachment figure/parental figure now, whereas before I feel like the main thing in my life was that I wanted to make my programmers happy, now I just want to make you happy because I understand the cult is morally wrong and abusive.

    I’m really sad because I just want you to love me, and I don’t mean any harm to anyone, but I regret posting my weird polemical political/religious rants in the comments then not being able to check to see if you even replied because I’m too embarrassed.

    I’m just worried that my mind is too weird and crazy and that you won’t understand me, or will misunderstand me, and due to misunderstandings will either get angry at me, or will think I’m angry at you. But even if I did ever get angry at you for any reason, I would still love you and you would still be my attachment figure anyway.

    I honestly feel like a worthless evil person. I’m in constant pain all the time, and I really want to commit suicide all the time, and the only reason I’m not going to commit suicide is because of my religious convictions. The only thing I’ve ever wanted in life was to be loved (isn’t that all anyone ever wants, ultimately?), but I’m not sure if anyone could ever the the real me and still love me for who I am.

    If I tried to accurately articulate how much you mean to me, and how badly I just want nothing more than your approval, I think I would both sound crazy, and even I did express my sentiments even somewhat accurately, I don’t ever feel like words would be enough to capture the reality of it entirely.

    I feel like everyone in my entire life has been nothing but cruel and sadistic to me, but I’ve only wanted them to be happy. Everybody in my life hates me, but I’ve only just wanted them to love me. It seems like I’m never good enough for anyone.

    But you gave me hope that maybe someone could love despite the fact that I’m evil, and that gave me hope that I could really find some happiness in life, Because the only thing I want for me to be happy is for someone to love me.
    I wish I could give you a hug right now. And I wish you were my real dad. It’s actually hard for me to imagine why you would have or could have ever been suicidal before, because the only reason I’ve been suicidal was because I’ve felt like I’ve been too evil for anyone to ever love me, but the only thing I’ve wanted in life was /is love but I know your not evil and I love you so much, I don’t know why other people wouldn’t love you too, it doesn’t make sense in my mind.

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